Killing The Fatman-Day 12

Did you know that the average scale in America tops out at 350...? Most doctor's office scales top out at 400! Imagine my chagrin as Saturday rolled around and I considered these unique facts. Where was I going to face my triumph/defeat...?



It's time for your next installment of KILLING THE FATMAN!!!!!!



(The excitement I heard in my head didn't translate to the screen very well.....)


On Friday night I began to search through the annuls of my mind as to who would have a “Fat Boy” scale? I decided at 9am that I would venture off to the Region's Quick Care on Hwy 316 because I knew their scale was equipped for the “Larger Patient.” I drug my feet all day, making myself busy with work in my home office and feigning a slight illness. I also abused the guise of a potential “Snow Day” but of course we didn't see anything. Despite my attempts to dodge the inevitable, I decided to hitch a ride with my darling wife as she dropped my daughter off at a basketball game.

When we pulled into the parking lot, I felt a sense of calm come over me. As I opened the door and stepped from the minivan, a stone-faced determination replaced the calm and I marched into that waiting room and proudly announced that I was KILLING THE FATMAN!!!! The nurse (who was 10 minutes from calling it a day) gave me a bitter look of disdain for a full minute before she slid open the window & allowed me to explain -- “I've been fat all my life see,... and I'm finally doing something about it,... & I was here a few weeks ago,... and I was wondering if I could just weigh myself on your scales & I'll be outta here.” I could tell the only part she heard was “Let me weigh & I'll leave.” She motioned me back to the room where the scales were and stood outside the door as I mounted the small square platform

--LET ME STOP HERE FOR A MOMENT & EXPRESS DISPLEASURE--

All scales are designed by some skinny little idiot that has never used one. I would like to express my feelings here with a wide array of very colorful language but I will refrain on behalf of those reading this blog who don't enjoy the sight of four letter expletives.

--WE NOW RETURN YOU TO THE STORY ALREADY IN PROGRESS--

I noticed three things almost immediately :

1. I was too-much-man for the small square platform at the bottom of the digital screen. This made it virtually impossible to find enough room to actually balance myself on the scale.
2. After finally achieving some form of balance, my belly was hovering over the digital screen that revealed the numbers, making it impossible to read the screen.
3. I was drawing an audience of young, attractive nurses, though I had no desire to do so at that point.

When I turned around, the nurses scattered like roaches in a bad motel room when you throw on the light switch at 3am. Only one remained, Nurse Ratched, who let me in to begin this torture in the first place. I wanted the experience to be over, so I asked her to read the screen as I stood on the scale facing the opposite direction. No luck. I was never able to achieve the right combination of balance and poise, so the scale never settled on a final set of numbers. I knew I should have stayed home. Before I left I asked them to verify my initial weight in my file. No number had ever been recorded and I had based my whole starting point on figures I thought I got from there.

I have since come to the conclusion that I pulled my original weight of 517(lbs) out of the cosmos somewhere because the last documented weight I could find was 500 (lbs) from a hospital visit in 2009 at St. Mary's.

After dropping my daughter off at the game, my wife & I took my youngest daughter to the grocery store. If you've never been, Ingles in Winder is off the chain, with a produce section like you've never seen before. As we walked the isles, I decided that I would bite the bullet and go to St. Mary's and use the FREIGHT scale they have near the cafeteria (of all places). It has a great big steel platform, giant meter that's real easy to read, & is accurate to the half pound.

Sunday morning came, we went to an awesome church service at our home church, & then went to the hospital. St. Mary's on Sunday afternoon is laid back and quiet with no body who cares what you're up to if you look like you have a purpose (that's actually a very scary thought). I strolled in and stepped onto the scale. You've never seen a metal arrow speed past numbers in your life.... zing! The final resting place, 493.

493!!!!! That means I lost just under 7 pounds in about 10 days! Yes I am proud of me. But remember, the Word says, “Pride goes before a fall...” so I'm gonna reel it in and keep going forward.

--The Meat & Potatoes--

I am concentrating on limiting my Coke consumption to 12 ounces a day (basically one can). I have done that because Cokes, especially Diet Cokes & Zero products, have a crap load of sodium in them. I am being very diligent to chart all of my daily progress through LIVESTRONG.com. Awesome
website that has every tool imaginable for someone trying to lose weight or just get fit. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning to have him deal with these clots in my leg and I hope to walk away with referrals to the Bariatric doctor
and a Sleep Apnea center as well.

Stay tuned as next time we'll be discussing the expense foods and the effect that has on living a healthier lifestyle. Good night for now!